


Tell My Love to Wreck It All

by i_want_you_to_make_me (orphan_account)



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-27
Updated: 2014-04-27
Packaged: 2018-01-20 23:12:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1529273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/i_want_you_to_make_me
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wants. God, how he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tell My Love to Wreck It All

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't gonna post this but now I did so oops

He wants. God, how he wants.

He wants Sherlock in every single way. He wants to live with him until they grow old, never doing more than the occasional holding hands in handcuffs, he wants to live in symbiosis, never touching him but smiling at him instead, perfectly content with love that's spoken in crime scenes and violins, but then he wants to kiss Sherlock senseless until they are breathing so hard that maybe for once they really do breathe just because they're finally together like that, wants to never ever look away, wants to fuck him so hard on every single surface in 221b, every single one, until Sherlock never thinks of anyone else, wants to run his hands lazily up and down Sherlock's pale spine because some mornings they have all the time in the world. He wants to stay most of all. He'd do anything to take everything back and be with Sherlock in the flat, dating or not. It's only something he can even stand to consider drunk.

He grieved for Sherlock for so long, he dragged it out and never really moved on for more than a year. And then he was done. He grieved and he moved on. He met Mary, he was happy, he was going to propose. He knew he'd want Sherlock more but it just didn't matter because wanting changed nothing, _except when it did._

John Watson was now stuck between two lives. He had the future he had come to love and the past he had once loved.

John had nothing to do but keep going forward and not look at Sherlock for too long for fear of falling apart.

But now they were drunk and sitting so close and John had already said "I don't mind" and Sherlock didn't know what it meant then, but sober he would. John didn't mind that either, it was too late, it was far far too late.

But they were so close. Oh they were so close. He could kiss him. He could just lean forward, it would be so easy to just lean and then-

He has Mary. He's proposed, they're getting married tomorrow. But God, he's so _bored_. Maybe he wasn't always happy with Sherlock like he is with Mary but he was never bored with Sherlock, not once.

So he stares at Sherlock's lips for hours and hours because his mind is too fuzzy to remind him he made a different decision.

~

Sherlock.

That's really it. That's all John can say about him anymore, just his name.

His best man's speech was so surprising. John had expected something embarrassing and had prepared to cover his face and make rude gestures at his back. Then Sherlock had just opened up completely in the most beautiful and intimate way and brushed it off as if it were nothing. John felt the decision he made hang so heavy in his chest he thought he would collapse in on himself, sucked in like a sink hole by his own mistake.

~

The look Sherlock gives him after announcing that Mary is pregnant changes everything.

John does not address it then. Gives Sherlock a look that clearly says "no" but when he lays in bed that night, after Mary enjoyed their honeymoon, it's all he thinks about.

It changes everything.

He remembers Sherlock crying when he taught John how to dance for the last time and he remembers pointedly not saying a word, so he gets up from bed, grabs his phone and goes into the hall of their hotel room at three in the morning and calls Sherlock.

Sherlock doesn't say a word when he answers, just silence.

"I've made a mistake." he says, voice cracking.

The other end is silent for so long he doesn't think anyone's there and then, "But does it change anything?"

And it doesn't, it doesn't.

~

Mary is like that. Like all the things he had not wanted in Mary but everything he touches turns to danger and fear and all the things he hates to love.

She wasn't supposed to be like that but when Sherlock explains it, it’s so obvious.

Mary is just like Sherlock and his past and future collide like a beautiful train wreck.

He likes her because she's just like him.

He's in so unbelievably deep, isn't he? That he subconsciously finds someone just like him even when he's not trying.

So he gets angry because she's not supposed to be like that and she's a liar and a killer and he lives with Sherlock and doesn't touch him and he feels electricity course through him because he wouldn't change a thing.

He tells Sherlock that he is going to forgive her. His face falls almost imperceptibly but John sees it and he doesn't know what else to do. He loves Mary. He really truly does. And maybe she's just like Sherlock but now they're married and she's bearing his child and there's nothing he can do but love Mary. Just Mary.

~

"Since this is likely to be the last conversation I’ll have with John Watson..."

John stops listening. He can't really help it. _The last time_.

But he's made his decision. Didn't expect much more time with him anyways. He chose Mary. He chose Mary. This doesn't hurt him. Has no right to.

And then they stand there and don't look at each other because it's too late and there's just so many things that they could say, making it impossible to say any of them.

"John, there’s something ... I should say; I-I’ve meant to say always and then never have. Since it’s unlikely we’ll ever meet again, I might as well say it now."

John stops breathing. Literally stops. _He's going to say it, finally._

"Sherlock is actually a girl's name."

John doesn't want to laugh. Even Sherlock knows it's too late. He changed his mind, hadn't he?

Then he's gone.

And he goes back to Mary. Just like always they're so close, so so close and then it's over. He stands next to Mary and splays his fingers, trying to feel less numb.

He wants. God, how he wants.


End file.
